Don’t be afraid of the future

That sounds a bit dramatic, but I think it’s a very real fear. The unknown reactions of people in your unknown future…

I remember thinking to myself that I might not be ‘acceptable’ by a future partner’s parents, or even ‘lovable’ by ‘her’; the new girlfriend I was hoping would come into my life. The ‘parents thing’ was quite interesting in that I really valued highly my Christian faith, and as such, I thought it would be great if she came from a strong Christian family. And of course I would want their approval and blessing on our relationship. Following that thought would come the whisper ‘If they are so ‘good’, what if you’re not good enough for them?’

In a world based on judgement that might be a real fear, but in a world based on grace, as our life should be, then a whisper like that can simply be discarded as a lie. A lie that says you have to earn love, and that your sins stay with you. Jesus came to give us life, grace, and freedom to live unhindered by the shackles of our past mistakes.

Fast forward a few years – I am now very happily married with a lovely week-old baby boy. It’s a remarkable, challenging time, but I have also never loved or felt love like I have this week. I’m not sure why that is, some kind of mystery. But it’s a beautiful mystery. I have married the most amazing Christian lady with the most lovely Christian family. And not a perfect family either, but faithful, loving, hardworking and understanding.

My wife Sara was watching me set-up the Facebook group the other night and just started to cry; she looked at me with so much love through those teary eyes as she was overcome with compassion and perhaps a fresh revelation of the level of pain that my divorce had caused me. But you know, that moment was a revelation to me of the restoration, the spectacular restoration of my life and the gift of my new marriage.

God is so good. It may have taken me 5 long years on my own before I met Sara, and another 2 years before we married – but God’s timing is perfect and all his ways are just. His love is ever present and his plans for us are good.

Don’t be afraid of the future. God will bring people into your life who will show you His grace, and share with you His love.  Expect good things to come from your perfect Father…

And I did get that ‘approval’ – Sara’s parents gave me their blessing for marriage just four years ago last week, on a blue couch in a little house by the sea. It would only be a week later that Sara said her special ‘yes’ to me.

Never be afraid of waiting for the goodness of God. Believe me, it’s worth the wait.

re:place – a Facebook group

I’ve just started a group on facebook, hoping to drum up some conversation.

I’ve just finished helping with another ‘Divorce & Seperation Recovery’ course at Holy Trinity Brompton. It’s about the only course out there at the moment which is aligned with (though not exclusive to) the Christian life… and was inspired to start this group up tonight. I’m hoping it will grow into something helpful, or hopeful for Christians out there who are going through this very dark, difficult stage in life.

re:place

HTB’s Divorce & Separation Recovery Course

unjoining

you might be a world away
you could be in front of me
you are the memory that shapes
the faded ache
when I am reminded
of this unjoining

you are the beautiful hour
that passed when I was dreaming
you are the second thought
the faded image
when I look back
at this unjoining

you are the passion that’s left
when the conflict’s resolved
you are the question that’s asked
when the certainty
dissolves

you are the words that slip off the trip of my tongue
when the tangible loses sight of senses that come
and in the reflection
and the shadow of love
I thirst for your light when the darkness is done
It’s the dense fog that rests
on the uncertain heart
this knot is truly untying
I am adrift
on this unjoining

18 October 2002

Cleaning House

It’s been too long so I thought I’d just jump on here and write kind-of stream-of-consciousness for a while.

I’ve retracted my thought about chaos (see previous post); can you retract a thought? I’ve at least removed ‘chaos’ as a theme, which in itself sounds like a great idea… Anyway. A clean theme is visually more appealing, and symbolically, too, sometimes in life you just want less clutter, you know? You want things to be more simple, more to the point. Though, at this stage, I’ve started writing without a point, assuming I might just get to one! Anyway.

I’m a New Zealander living in London. The English way of doing things is in many ways different to the kiwi way – one way I’ve noticed recently is that we kiwi’s are much more literal, and much quicker at calling a spade a spade; saying it like it is. This can have its downfalls, but most of the time, it’s just plain easier.

Being used to a more literal approach can make it hard to get things done: I’ve been in situations where people have suggested that it might be a good idea if this or that happened; or where people have mentioned that it would be great for something to be a certain way – and I’m wanting to say ‘just flippen tell me what you want, will you?!’ And there’s the great English reserve, particularly in men, that will keep emotions, and other ‘weaknesses’ under wraps – which makes for conversations which go no deeper than your average wine glass, when there is a well of cool refreshing water going untapped, as it were. You might have a nice glass of red, but it stops there. Churches are often like that too – as if there’s an unwritten code which works to ensure the surface of everything is shiny and good – whether a face, or words spoken or… sometimes it all feels a bit too nice.

Something that’s crucial to any form of recovery, whether from divorce, loss, bereavement – you need to find someone to share the real stuff with. Someone to talk-the-walk with (I find I trip less often when I have begun by talking through my next step). This journey out may start with you completely alone, but it simply cannot continue in isolation: You need to share your thoughts, find encouragement, interaction, a sounding board, and basically – you need your friends around you. The more the merrier, perhaps – but just make sure there is one, perhaps two people on whom you can call to share your deeper, scarier thoughts and experiences with.

Not sure where to go next? If you’re a Christian you will likely be a part of a community already. That’s what the church is for, being a community, a family. God will lead you to somewhere, to someone, if He hasn’t already. If you’re not, begin with someone with values that you know and trust, and have a conversation – who knows where it might lead.

I had isolated myself from my much of my church community in the final year or so of my marriage, as it was spiralling downward. With my ex.wife not involved in my church, I left services in a hurry to get home to appease my wife and left no room for being social. And beyond those services, I never really met up with anyone else. Once it had finally crashed, I noticed that my isolation had left me with very few real friends. It was time to start building new friendships!

I’m a musician, so I increased my involvement in that area of our church’s life, and met with lots of people as much as I could. That helped fill much of the social void, but the depth of relationship still took quite some time to build. That’s OK. Trust is built slowly. Slowly, but surely.

A year or so after my separation I met a guy who was also going through divorce… he was someone who shared my passion for ’speaking reality’ and not hiding behind polite masks and ‘christianisms’… and we really hit it off! It didn’t take long to realise we were very similar people, and it was great to have someone who shared some of my experience; who ‘knew about divorce’. They’re often hard to find in the church because, as I implied above, much is ‘unspoken’ in church.

Our friendship wasn’t an automatic thing, but we invested a lot of time into each other, and built something very, very cool. He’s now my all-time best mate; one of those once in a lifetime friendships that you hang on to with everything you have! God provided a ‘brother’ to walk the path with me; someone to share good times and bad; and even a best man for my wedding!

So, thats about it really. The people you choose to surround yourself with will affect the way you live your life. Whether you have been blessed with a ‘kindred spirit’ to walk the road with, or if you’re seeking greater depth in your relationships… expect God to provide; spend your time and effort wisely; and I trust as you walk this road you will find the load lightened with time. And. Each. New. Step.

I am a Christian who has been through the journey …

I am a Christian who has been through the journey of divorce, and survived!

As I have looked back over that journey, and reflect on the place I am in today – I can see there is a story to be told. A story that doesn’t get told that often, and certainly less often by those on the Christian path.

I’m not sure exactly how this journey will find its way into the world. Perhaps online or offline. Words on a page or words while gathering. Perhaps that book idea that has been lurking. Perhaps in conversation. This blog is some kind of beginning.

What I want to tell anyone who will listen is not about the darkness, but about the light that came and broke in to that darkness. Not the ‘gory details’ of how I came to the point of divorce, but what happened after the point of no return. What I learned about myself, about God, about love, about grace, about forgiveness – beyond the pain, loss, and confusion. What mistakes have I made? What truths have I encountered?

There is hope!

I married at age 22, found my marriage in pieces at 25 and was divorced by 27, yet I’ve been a Christian all my life, and I intend to keep it that way. That sentence might appear contradictory, but I discovered the hard way that divorce ‘happens’ to Christians too.

We all have questions when faced with such a journey:

What now? What will I do? Where will I go?
What will my friends and church think? What does God think? This is my story, it might be yours, too.

This won’t be fiction; This Journey Out

And it won’t be figuring out how to fix your marriage – if there is any chance, any hope for your existing marriage, then do the work! There are many many books, counselors, and friends who can help you with that. If the path to divorce can be avoided, then do whatever you can to keep your marriage on track – but…

This story is for those who have already crossed the line and have nowhere to go back to.

This is about you, and God. This journey will be a hard, but hopeful one. And God is watching.

It’s time to walk forward, out of the dark and cold, into the light:

It’s time to take This Journey Out.

If you’re a Christian and you’ve been through the journey, or find yourself taking the first steps, I’d love to hear from you. Please post a comment, ask me a question, or just tell me how you think a blog, or book, or conversation like this could be helpful. Or not.

Now happily married at 33, I want to share the hope that you can get through it, and to witness that God is a good and faithful God. And if you go about this journey in a healthy way, and walk with God rather than away from Him, there is much joy, hope and love for your life to come.