Cleaning House

It’s been too long so I thought I’d just jump on here and write kind-of stream-of-consciousness for a while.

I’ve retracted my thought about chaos (see previous post); can you retract a thought? I’ve at least removed ‘chaos’ as a theme, which in itself sounds like a great idea… Anyway. A clean theme is visually more appealing, and symbolically, too, sometimes in life you just want less clutter, you know? You want things to be more simple, more to the point. Though, at this stage, I’ve started writing without a point, assuming I might just get to one! Anyway.

I’m a New Zealander living in London. The English way of doing things is in many ways different to the kiwi way – one way I’ve noticed recently is that we kiwi’s are much more literal, and much quicker at calling a spade a spade; saying it like it is. This can have its downfalls, but most of the time, it’s just plain easier.

Being used to a more literal approach can make it hard to get things done: I’ve been in situations where people have suggested that it might be a good idea if this or that happened; or where people have mentioned that it would be great for something to be a certain way – and I’m wanting to say ‘just flippen tell me what you want, will you?!’ And there’s the great English reserve, particularly in men, that will keep emotions, and other ‘weaknesses’ under wraps – which makes for conversations which go no deeper than your average wine glass, when there is a well of cool refreshing water going untapped, as it were. You might have a nice glass of red, but it stops there. Churches are often like that too – as if there’s an unwritten code which works to ensure the surface of everything is shiny and good – whether a face, or words spoken or… sometimes it all feels a bit too nice.

Something that’s crucial to any form of recovery, whether from divorce, loss, bereavement – you need to find someone to share the real stuff with. Someone to talk-the-walk with (I find I trip less often when I have begun by talking through my next step). This journey out may start with you completely alone, but it simply cannot continue in isolation: You need to share your thoughts, find encouragement, interaction, a sounding board, and basically – you need your friends around you. The more the merrier, perhaps – but just make sure there is one, perhaps two people on whom you can call to share your deeper, scarier thoughts and experiences with.

Not sure where to go next? If you’re a Christian you will likely be a part of a community already. That’s what the church is for, being a community, a family. God will lead you to somewhere, to someone, if He hasn’t already. If you’re not, begin with someone with values that you know and trust, and have a conversation – who knows where it might lead.

I had isolated myself from my much of my church community in the final year or so of my marriage, as it was spiralling downward. With my ex.wife not involved in my church, I left services in a hurry to get home to appease my wife and left no room for being social. And beyond those services, I never really met up with anyone else. Once it had finally crashed, I noticed that my isolation had left me with very few real friends. It was time to start building new friendships!

I’m a musician, so I increased my involvement in that area of our church’s life, and met with lots of people as much as I could. That helped fill much of the social void, but the depth of relationship still took quite some time to build. That’s OK. Trust is built slowly. Slowly, but surely.

A year or so after my separation I met a guy who was also going through divorce… he was someone who shared my passion for ’speaking reality’ and not hiding behind polite masks and ‘christianisms’… and we really hit it off! It didn’t take long to realise we were very similar people, and it was great to have someone who shared some of my experience; who ‘knew about divorce’. They’re often hard to find in the church because, as I implied above, much is ‘unspoken’ in church.

Our friendship wasn’t an automatic thing, but we invested a lot of time into each other, and built something very, very cool. He’s now my all-time best mate; one of those once in a lifetime friendships that you hang on to with everything you have! God provided a ‘brother’ to walk the path with me; someone to share good times and bad; and even a best man for my wedding!

So, thats about it really. The people you choose to surround yourself with will affect the way you live your life. Whether you have been blessed with a ‘kindred spirit’ to walk the road with, or if you’re seeking greater depth in your relationships… expect God to provide; spend your time and effort wisely; and I trust as you walk this road you will find the load lightened with time. And. Each. New. Step.